Oh Lordy...40

Today is my 40^th birthday.  My whole life I wanted to be 40 I kind of thought it would be fabulous.  I am the youngest in my family, but a dozen years.  Being the baby has its perks but there are many times when…well ...you get treated like a baby.  You cannot do the things older people can do because you are too young.  Being the baby in a household of 10, this happens a lot. So I set my sights on being a real grown up.  FORTY! That would be something.

Honestly, I was all about this idea, until I turned 39.  Then I started to reconsider.  Forty seems like a big number.  I still feel twenty-seven. Overall I feel like I get a little better every year, I seek to improve and I was not particularly good at being young. Forty is definitely a milestone that makes you reflect on your life.  I have spent the past year and a half taking a step back and working on myself.  Stillness is very hard for me, I have been doing it.  Not liking it a lot, but doing it. Still, as forty approached I felt behind in my life.  I am single, I have no kids and I while I am employed I don’t really have the exciting fulfilling career I thought I might have.   Abundance seems to be lacking in my life in these core areas.  Also, instead of fabulous, forty feels like the gateway to old.

The truth is that I never thought I had to be married or have kids to be a success. So I find it odd that I would stress this.  I even doubted my ability to achieve success in these arenas.  Now, after lots of self-reflection and spiritual fitness I do feel like I can do these things and that I deserve this kind of love in my life.  I recognize that acknowledgement alone, is a kind of success.  I don't even know if I want the married with kids thing, but a partner to share life with sounds pretty amazing.  I figured out what I am good at and what I want to do as a career, I went back to school and got my degree last year.  I tried dating and job interviews which felt a lot like the same thing.  In this process all were close or really not close at all but none were right.  I took a break from having to sell myself and just chill for a bit. It was stressing me out.   I apparently have no idea how to get the things I now want, but I will be the best me I can and see what happens.  I ask the universe for guidance, but I think the universe might find my frustration amusing.  So here I am ready, and having no idea what to do next.  I will hold on to faith that it will all work out.

Someone recently told me that I have as much of a chance of getting married over 40 as getting struck by lightning.  Ha, thanks for the tip I guess.  What a ridiculous thing to say. Is that from a shitty movie or what?  But regardless of how trite and unnecessary I found that announcement, it still that made me feel behind.  When I go to events and I am the only single person there, I kind of notice now and it feels bad.  These didn’t happen before 39 and 10 months.  It’s weird.  I feel like.. oops I forgot to want the things that people want, I didn’t put it in a life plan and now I am doomed.  Ok ok ..that sounds funny even typing because at heart I am an eternal optimist.  Sure an at times dark and sarcastic eternal optimist.  But at my core I believe in possibility.  Right?  I am going to just try to remember what I though was so fabulous about forty for thirty-nine years.  I am sure it will come back to me.

When I look around I realize that while perhaps doomed in the love and career department, I am blessed in the friend department.  I know so many wonderful people, who I love and respect.  And they love me too.  Which I admit I think is kind of crazy, but it is a fact I have come to accept.  I hope this is because I am a wonderful person and a good friend too.  Still these people who I call friends are truly amazing and I am among the luckiest of people as a result.

My friend Shelley knowing that I was stressing turning 40 bought me 40 presents.  Each wrapped individually numbered and dated to be opened the 40 days up to my birthday.  This gift is beyond thoughtful.  I loved getting robot tea infusers and lots of scratch off tickets.  But more so I loved wondering what the next day would hold.  It made me realize that there is a gift in each day, and I should wonder that that gift is and look forward to it.  They will no longer come lovingly wrapped and numbered but every day has something to offer, but they are there if we don’t forget to notice.  As I try to not turn to depression at my lack of whatever, this message is so empowering.  I am grateful for the reminder, and it really has made me look at my life differently.

Today, I am spending my birthday in solitude. It is funny because I LOVE birthdays, and what I love about my birthday is getting to see my friends. I think everyone should eat food with their friends on their birthday and dance if they like to.  

 I was feeling ill, so yesterday I went to the doctor’s.  I have a respiratory infection and I am contagious I am supposed to rest through Thursday.  I got a Z pack and Gypsy Tea for my birthday.  I cancelled the small sushi dinner with friends at my favorite restaurant for tonight. It was suggested I move it to Thursday, but I was just too sad and tired to reschedule and it felt like I was being burdensome.  I decided to look forward to my party on Saturday and just take care of me now.  I slept a lot yesterday and today.

My friend Slim brought me a healthy dinner and a key lime pie last night.  I didn’t want to eat but I felt way better after doing so, and it was yum.  She is feeling a little ill herself so she felt it was ok to come over, feed me and spend some time visiting.  She wanted to check in and make sure I was ok.  It is nice to be cared for.

I woke up to many texts.  One was a video of my best friend since birth waking up her kids, who are really awesome, and them all wishing me happy birthday. Didi was a little confused about the word fortieth, I was like…I know me too, kiddo!  It was so cute and funny I don’t think I could feel bad after that.  The Chi’s are really THAT amazing.  My phone has been buzzing all day with love and care and people checking in on me, wishing me happiness, asking if I need anything and making me laugh.  One call was from Tiff’s Treats so someone ordered me cookies.  I wonder who?  Someone super nice!  

I did cry a little today but it is because I am overwhelmed when I realize how lucky I am and I am so grateful. Being sick and alone on my birthday doesn’t suck like I thought it would.  I got to do birthday laundry and eat birthday chicken noodle soup, and then I did birthday dishes.  It is a party over here., I am finding that putting birthday before a task makes me laugh about it. Birthday Nasal Rinse...don't mind if I do.   I have to experience stillness on my birthday and solitude but that doesn’t stop the love from reaching me.  I am truly happy.  Thank you, my friends.  Forty is feeling pretty damned good.